How to Lose a Job in 10 Days

Just a few years ago, having a college degree and being 23 years old was what employers dreamed of; now however, companies are on hiring freezes, jobs are down sizing, and some local businesses are even closing their doors.

In an effort to bring a little light to the situation (or maybe just plain humor), I have come up with a list of ways on “how to lose a job,” instead of “how to land a job.”

The entire process of looking for, finding, and actually getting a job is challenging.  There are a million things to remember when interviewing and the anticipation of hearing back from an employer is inevitably nerve racking.  When are they going to call?  How long should I wait before I call them?  Did they contact my references?  All of these and more are questions we ask ourselves when trying to land the perfect job, but who would have ever thought about the different ways to lose that new job?

First day at a new company.  What to wear?  How should I fix my hair?  Should I wear perfume?  How professional should my attire be?  Your first day is usually the day you are on your best behavior but honestly, getting fired from a job can be easy if you want it to.  Here are the top things to do if you want to lose your new job in less than two weeks.

Day two:  Show up late for work.  Being on time is overrated and who wants to be up and ready that early every morning?  Oh and don’t forget a cup of coffee from Starbucks – not for your boss, but for yourself.  You are already late, what are ten more minutes going to matter?  And while you’re at it, stop and get a muffin or a breakfast sandwich as well.  Eat it at your desk and take your time – you are in no hurry to get started with today’s tasks. 

Day three:  Take a long lunch.  An hour is surely not enough time to get somewhere, relax, order a meal and chat with your friends is it?  Plus, it’s the middle of the day; you are bound to have some errands to run.  And there is nothing better than stopping by the tanning bed for a quick sun bath when it’s chilly outside.  Who cares if you come back to work smelling like coconut and sweating through your white shirt?

Day four:  Make personal calls.  Nowadays cell phones and long distance rates can be outrageous so that’s why it’s a perfect idea to use the company phone to make those necessary calls throughout the day.  You know, there’s a big time difference between where you and your best friend from high school live, and the best time to call them is while you are at work.  It’s not your fault your boss expects you to still be at work at 3:00 p.m. EVERYDAY.

Day five:  One word for you, Internet.  Use it!  It’s free, kills time and makes you feel busy sitting at your desk.  You can go into a chat room at any time throughout your day, so why waste personal time when you could chat at work.  And while you are chatting, use your work email address at all times to send out mass chain letters to other co-workers and your parents.  And since you are already surfing the net, download all your favorite games, ring tones, music sites and pictures.  You don’t want to have a computer filled with boring work information – spice it up with the latest music, backgrounds and even ring tones for your cell phone.

Day six:  Okay, you have enjoyed your weekend and now you are expected to come back to work all relaxed and ready to be a team player, but who is ready to work on a Monday?  And now you are swamped with customers wanting your precious time.  Best way to get the customers to leave you alone – ignore them.  Talk to your co-workers instead of giving them any of your attention.  Don’t have answers to their questions; heck you’ve only been there a week. 

Day seven:  Don’t go beyond your job description.  Even when a project is down to the wire and your help is desperately needed, just remember: “It’s not your responsibility.”

Day eight:  Leave work early.  Who exactly made the 5:00 o’clock rule anyway?  If you leave work thirty minutes early, just think of how much you could get done before dinner.  Thirty minutes is nothing compared to the fact you have been there since 8:00 a.m.  Besides, your personal errands should always come first in your daily schedule.

Day nine:  Party hard!  It’s been a rough week and you deserve a few drinks and a night at the dance club.  Who cares if you don’t get home til 3:00 a.m., you can sleep till 10:00 and just show up to work late.  An employer would rather have you rested and showered than tired and hung over. 

Day ten:  Say farewell to your new co-workers because you won’t be coming back in the morning.